A Beautiful Disaster

Psalm 115:3, "But our God is in the heavens; He does whatever He pleases."

In the delivery room, there I was. Surrounded by friends and family. Relieved of the burdens of labor. Eager to see the child of my womb. A fresh baby. Dark hair, dark eyes. She looks just like me... Darkness sets in. Why do I feel distant? Why can't I hold my baby? Where are they taking her? She's gone.

The dream seemed so strange at the time but I had such joy when I awoke to the thought of God giving me a direction- a sense of future. Maybe I was going to have a girl! Because we all know women who've had the "prophetic dream." And I was one of them.

I believe God gave me that dream. It was Wednesday night, September 2nd, 2009. Two days before I ended up in the ER room, full of fear, tears, and heart ache. My baby was gone. She was dead, and I was left alone, with no joy of my own.

It's hard to think that it's fair. That it's right. But I know it is. I am not angry. I am not bitter. I am sad. I am heartbroken, but I have a peace beyond all understanding. God has given me faith in times of sorrow and I trust fully in his perfect plan.

To be less poetic and more factual, I had a miscarriage. My symptoms started this past Thursday while we were attending a friend's wedding rehearsal. I started having some light bleeding in my urine. We left early and made some calls, and decided to see what happened on Friday. Around noon on Friday I started passing some more blood, and it was more fresh and red than the previous night. I called a relative who works for an OBGYN and was advised to stay low, rest, and if symptoms worsen, to head to the ER. By the time Friday night came, I was having a little more bleeding, and now passing more "clot" type material. I was still hesitant, since I wasn't having any cramping, and still holding on to any hope I might have that "everything was going to be ok." Saturday morning I woke up with no bleeding, but by the afternoon, I was bleeding almost like a period. I decided it was now time to face the fears and go to the ER. After 5 hours, an IV, vaginal exam, sonogram, and a transvaginal ultrasound, the doctor delivered the bad news. The baby only made it to around week 7 before it aborted itself. Reasons are unknown, and 1 out of 5 people bleed in their pregnancies, and 50% of those abort. It's painful to have to be one of those statistics, but sadly enough, miscarriages are obviously quite common.

As I said before, I'm sad to be grieving over a loss instead of rejoicing with child, but I'm thankful for the strength, love, and growth I have learned over these past days. God has given me peace, and I don't fear the future, but will learn from experience and have joy in the midst of pain.

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"Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn." Romans 12:15

Chris and I want to thank each and every one of you who have been praying, loving, and caring for us these past few days. We are thankful for those who can grieve with us and mourn with us. It wouldn't be easy, if possible at all, to get through this painful time without such godly friends and family. We are so grateful, and though there are many tears, we rejoice in God's sovereignty. His plan is where we want to be, and though it may be painful at times, we are blessed to be a part of his perfect will. May God be glorified in all we say and do.

Much love,
The O'Neils